one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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