Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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