and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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