Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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