Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
