Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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