The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
how drunk are you?
Several
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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