Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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