This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
