Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
