Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
