Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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