I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
