Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
