I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
