I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
