she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
