My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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