Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
