Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
