I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
