I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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