I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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