im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
