Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
