I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
