My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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