I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
