u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
