some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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