I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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