Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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