There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
