Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dignity is for republicans.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
