i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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