i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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