My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
