Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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