Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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