I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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