Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
