I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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