Apparently you make a good broom.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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