I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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