WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
