I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
