I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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