so that wasnt chicken after all
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
