Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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