it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize