eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
