You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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