So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
