I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
