i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize