Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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